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[ December 11, 2007 ] i haven't posted here in a hot minute, but i just have so many things running through my head and nowhere else to put them. -living in philly is an adventure. a violent and scary adventure with some fun and a big city atmosphere thrown in. my eyes have been opened to a whole new world, one that is full of homicides and low income families- something that chapel hill couldn't have prepared me for. i work in an elementary school where it seems like almost every kid knows someone who has been shot or killed. first graders cursing each other out, constant violence between students, an administration that just doesn't care and doesn't know how to deal with young people aside from screaming at them. i watched a teacher tell a student his dad was ghetto for beating up his mom and then she didn't understand why he ran away crying. -alvaro. i love him. i'm seeing him this summer. but i hate being alone, and i let that slip me up many times. i feel bad about it, but i can't stand not having any affection for over a year. all my hook-ups are meaningless. i feel like a slut. -i have very few friends here. no one is the same as people from north carolina. they're all so intense and straightforward here. i don't like it a lot. -i love living. i like living here. i think. i don't know. sometimes it's very overwhelming, but i'm only here for another 6/7 months, so it's all just a blur anyways. i can't believe i'm actually doing americorps. this time last year i would not have thought i would be asking little kids what sound the letter t makes. t-top-tuh. i can go through the whole alphabet like that. a-apple-uh, b-bat-buh, c-cat-cuh, d-dog-duh.... LIFE IS SO CRAZY AND I NEVER UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT 3 read reply

[ June 10, 2007 ] so yep i graduated today that's so fucking weird... 1 read reply

[ June 6, 2007 ] i might actually graduate! wow -passed spanish -pretty sure i passed contemp -don't know about US -pretty sure i'll pass math -passed science -passed being a TA (duh) -passed english ahhhhhhhh 0 read reply

fuck this. things i miss about nicaragua [ May 24, 2007 ] hiking through the jungle swimming in the Wabule riding horses in the mountains catching lizards playing with bugs resting in hammocks looking out at a 100 mile view past mountains dancing around a bonfire eating outside in candlelight riding those old buses shopping in markets walking in the middle of the road dancing to reggaeton with the boys hanging out in the park day and night meeting crazy old people making masks at the library learning spanish, teaching english having children follow us walking to the gas station to hang out and eat popsicles cheap cigarettes in half-packs (fumar es dañino para la salud) our house open doors catholics marching down the street in the middle of the night sitting on the corner listening to the municipal band meeting Nica hippies kissing in the street hugging holding hands massages on the floor riding in the back of pick-up trucks seeing sloths dogs EVERYWHERE getting attention when walking by the pool hall saying hola to everyone playing with kids in schools PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED TO GO BACK 0 read reply

service learning essay [ May 22, 2007 ] I’ve always enjoyed community service. Coming to this school district as a freshman, I was actually pleased to learn that completing fifty hours of service is a graduation requirement. As ridiculous or contrived as my excitement may sound, it’s completely true. However, I never imagined that the definition of “community” could expand beyond this tiny geographical area which we call the Triangle. I have spent all four years of high school doing volunteer work and peer education for Tobacco Reality Unfiltered. I stayed after school for weeks upon weeks to work as a techie for various school plays or concerts. I thought that my hours of service learning might end there. That was a far from accurate assumption. This past March, I boarded a plane with six other East Chapel Hill High School students and two Spanish teachers to begin our journey to Nicaragua, where we would engage ourselves in a service trip to never be forgotten. We were well-briefed in the history and economics of the country, but I don’t think that any of us honestly knew what to expect once we got there. We arrived in the capital of Managua around noon and walked out of the airplane into a blast of heat that we had not yet felt this year in Chapel Hill. Already we could tell that it was going to be a beautiful trip. After spending the first day getting settled at La Finca Esperanza Verde, which was the farm where we stayed for part of our trip, we were ready to begin our work. The morning of the second day we hiked up a dusty trail to a rural school called La Chispa. This modest one-room school was bursting with energy from the children, excited to play and create projects with us foreigners. We brought them many school supplies which were graciously donated by East students, did a few crafts, and played Duck, Duck, Goose and Red Light, Green Light. I already felt so complete, just having fun with these kids. I couldn’t believe that something so amazing as this could earn me service hours. After several more days into the trip, we journeyed to East’s sister school, El Trentino. This is where the majority of the collected school supplies went. The students greeted us with signs reading “Welcome to our sister school” and as soon as we walked into the room they burst into applause. I felt like I hadn’t even done anything for them, but a heartfelt thank you from a child’s mother sent tears of utter joy and compassion rolling down my cheeks. The school children showed their appreciation for our donations by singing and dancing for us, and many people from the community had come to welcome and thank us. Never before had I felt such intense emotions towards people who I hadn’t even met. Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m having trouble figuring out what words I could possibly select to even approach the description of the feelings I had on that day. One night after we were supposed to have settled into bed, a few of us went back outside to bathe in the cool night air and gaze at the sky, freckled with stars. We talked about what we felt before coming on the trip, and we realized that we had all been at least somewhat apprehensive about our desire to travel there, but at that point we would give anything to not have to return to the US. Everyone we met was so warm and welcoming. I now have two Nicaraguan women whom I call “Mama” and dozens of new friends. These were the most marvelous people I have ever met in my life, and every day I ache to return to Nicaragua and repeat this entire experience. I guess what I can draw from this all is the lesson that a community is not solely restricted by location. We are all citizens of the world, and as such, every single country is part of our community and it is our job to help in any way we can. I feel permanently linked to Nicaragua now. I feel it is my second home. I am thrilled that the time I spent there can carry over into service learning hours, but I don’t think that a piece of paper with numbers and a signature for its documentation will ever do it justice. That is what I hope everyone can get out of their service experiences. I know that many people complete their hours begrudgingly, but I would hope that this graduation requirement can mean so much to others in the future of East Chapel Hill. 3 read reply

[ May 19, 2007 ] i won first place in the country for the national spanish exam for level three with outside experience! wooooo 4 read reply

[ May 13, 2007 ] i had another dream about him last night. i think it came from talking to him for about an hour total on the phone yesterday. i ran out of phone cards and called him from my house phone- stupid move, the bill is going to be hundreds of dollars. i'm so fucking screwed. but i LOVE talking to him. anyways, in my dream he came to the US (like the last dream i had about him) but this time it was so real. i kept half-waking up and realizing it was a dream but i forced myself back to sleep so it could continue. he went to my school with me for a day, which was amazing. also in my dream he somehow learned fluent english and would try to speak to me in english, but i wasn't having any of that. i love dreaming in spanish. it makes me so mad when people complain about not seeing their boyfriend/girlfriend for a couple of days or a week or whatever, because i NEVER see mine and i have to pay a shitload of money to even be able to call him. those sorts of people need to realize how lucky they are to have their significant other live in the same country as them. he is all i can think about. he is all i have thought about for the past month and a half. he is all i want. 0 read reply

[ May 10, 2007 ] today andy's mom said to me: "you look really good, you must be in a good place right now" awkward. 0 read reply

[ April 30, 2007 ] it is 87 degrees in my house i feel like i'm in nicaragua again 0 read reply

[ April 6, 2007 ] [ music | Nicaragua, Nicaraguita ] all i want to do is to go back to nicaragua i know everyone else feels the same way we all cry every day i can't stop listening to reggaeton anything that's not related to spanish fails to hold my interest i miss everything about it i've already talked to my nicaraguan friends, alex, alvaro, and lerling four times in the past two days that i've been back we had a sort of reunion at a nicaraguan restaurant tonight and talked to the owner about going back with her this summer and staying at her house there i am so depressed about this, it's ridiculous I LOVE NICARAGUA. ----------------------- Ay, Nicaragua, Nicaraguita recibe como prenda de amor este ramo de siemprevivas y jilinjoches que hoy florecen para vos Cuando yo beso tu frente beso la perla de tu sudor mas dulcita que la frutita de tibuilote y el jocote tronador Ay, Nicaragua, Nicaraguita mi cogollito de pijibay mi pasion se enterro en ei surco de tu querencia como un granito Es tu saliva alaste y dulcita como la savia del maranon que restana con alegria todos los dias mi rebelde corazon Ay, Nicaragua, Nicaraguita la flor mas linda de mi querer abonada con la bendita Nicaraguita sangre de Diriangen Ay, Nicaragua sos mas dulcata que la mielita de tamagas pero ahora que ya sos libre, Nicaraguita yo te quiero mucho mas 0 read reply

[ April 2, 2007 ] i´m in nicaragua and i never want to leave. 2 read reply

[ March 24, 2007 ] I AM LEAVING IN A HOT 15 HOURS. If you want to do something before I am in Nicaragua, give me a call. 1 read reply

[ March 20, 2007 ] I can't wait to go to Nicaragua and get the fuck out of this place, even if it is only for 10 days. 1 read reply

[ March 13, 2007 ] Whatever happened to bros before hoes? 10 read reply

[ February 21, 2007 ] Mary Ann was sent away to New York today without any advanced notice. What the fuck. I am so sad. And Ryann just told me that her cat, Shark, was killed by a car today. Andy's dog, Posh, had to have major surgery today. This is one of the worst days I have ever had. 1 read reply

[ February 10, 2007 ] sorry for the cryptic posts, but... wow. i am in shock (but it's good!). 0 read reply

[ February 7, 2007 ] My mood has been improving significantly. However, it still hangs in the balance and I occasionally feel akin to a tightrope walker. But Friday is the QYDI Birthgay Party and I think it might make everything perfect. 0 read reply

[ February 1, 2007 ] You're supposed to be able to turn to friends when you need help, but I can't help feeling that they really don't care about my problems and that I come off as just as whiny because I complain a lot. But this is fucking killing me. I cannot do this day-to-day living by myself right now. I constantly hate myself. I cry all the goddamn time. I can't even figure myself out. I have no idea who I am or where I am going and it's really just way too much to handle on top of school and work and friends. I don't want to feel like I can't even talk to my friends about this shit, but that's really the feeling I get most of the time. 1 read reply

[ January 28, 2007 ] I may or may not be going to college next year. I plan to go eventually, but right now I just am so opposed to schooling that I sort of need a break. I generally can't bring myself to do any school work, but I've decided that, for this next semester (even though this one doesn't really matter...I guess I should have done this earlier) I'm going to view school as though I have interest in it. Maybe I'll feel more motivated if I can convince myself that I'm really interested in everything I learn. Whatever. I love living my life the way I do. I feel no need to change my behaviors. I want to have so much fun in life! And why shouldn't I? 1 read reply

[ January 20, 2007 ] DC was the shit. Prepare for an onslaught of pictures tomorrow. Mary Ann, Ryann, Julia and I basically are pros at rocking the nation's capital. 4 read reply

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