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hidemyhead @ 2007-12-11T22:47:00

2007-12-12T03:56:13Z

i haven't posted here in a hot minute, but i just have so many things running through my head and nowhere else to put them.

-living in philly is an adventure. a violent and scary adventure with some fun and a big city atmosphere thrown in. my eyes have been opened to a whole new world, one that is full of homicides and low income families- something that chapel hill couldn't have prepared me for. i work in an elementary school where it seems like almost every kid knows someone who has been shot or killed. first graders cursing each other out, constant violence between students, an administration that just doesn't care and doesn't know how to deal with young people aside from screaming at them. i watched a teacher tell a student his dad was ghetto for beating up his mom and then she didn't understand why he ran away crying.

-alvaro. i love him. i'm seeing him this summer. but i hate being alone, and i let that slip me up many times. i feel bad about it, but i can't stand not having any affection for over a year. all my hook-ups are meaningless. i feel like a slut.

-i have very few friends here. no one is the same as people from north carolina. they're all so intense and straightforward here. i don't like it a lot.

-i love living. i like living here. i think. i don't know. sometimes it's very overwhelming, but i'm only here for another 6/7 months, so it's all just a blur anyways. i can't believe i'm actually doing americorps. this time last year i would not have thought i would be asking little kids what sound the letter t makes. t-top-tuh. i can go through the whole alphabet like that. a-apple-uh, b-bat-buh, c-cat-cuh, d-dog-duh....

LIFE IS SO CRAZY AND I NEVER UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT

hidemyhead @ 2007-06-10T02:32:00

2007-06-10T06:29:18Z

so
yep

i graduated today

that's so fucking weird...

hidemyhead @ 2007-06-06T15:37:00

2007-06-06T19:38:02Z

i might actually graduate! wow

-passed spanish
-pretty sure i passed contemp
-don't know about US
-pretty sure i'll pass math
-passed science
-passed being a TA (duh)
-passed english

ahhhhhhhh

fuck this. things i miss about nicaragua

2007-05-24T23:26:29Z

hiking through the jungle
swimming in the Wabule
riding horses in the mountains
catching lizards
playing with bugs
resting in hammocks
looking out at a 100 mile view past mountains
dancing around a bonfire
eating outside in candlelight
riding those old buses
shopping in markets
walking in the middle of the road
dancing to reggaeton with the boys
hanging out in the park day and night
meeting crazy old people
making masks at the library
learning spanish, teaching english
having children follow us
walking to the gas station to hang out and eat popsicles
cheap cigarettes in half-packs (fumar es dañino para la salud)
our house
open doors
catholics marching down the street in the middle of the night
sitting on the corner listening to the municipal band
meeting Nica hippies
kissing in the street
hugging
holding hands
massages on the floor
riding in the back of pick-up trucks
seeing sloths
dogs EVERYWHERE
getting attention when walking by the pool hall
saying hola to everyone
playing with kids in schools

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED TO GO BACK

service learning essay

2007-05-22T22:24:35Z

I’ve always enjoyed community service. Coming to this school district as a freshman, I was actually pleased to learn that completing fifty hours of service is a graduation requirement. As ridiculous or contrived as my excitement may sound, it’s completely true. However, I never imagined that the definition of “community” could expand beyond this tiny geographical area which we call the Triangle. I have spent all four years of high school doing volunteer work and peer education for Tobacco Reality Unfiltered. I stayed after school for weeks upon weeks to work as a techie for various school plays or concerts. I thought that my hours of service learning might end there. That was a far from accurate assumption.

This past March, I boarded a plane with six other East Chapel Hill High School students and two Spanish teachers to begin our journey to Nicaragua, where we would engage ourselves in a service trip to never be forgotten. We were well-briefed in the history and economics of the country, but I don’t think that any of us honestly knew what to expect once we got there.

We arrived in the capital of Managua around noon and walked out of the airplane into a blast of heat that we had not yet felt this year in Chapel Hill. Already we could tell that it was going to be a beautiful trip. After spending the first day getting settled at La Finca Esperanza Verde, which was the farm where we stayed for part of our trip, we were ready to begin our work. The morning of the second day we hiked up a dusty trail to a rural school called La Chispa. This modest one-room school was bursting with energy from the children, excited to play and create projects with us foreigners. We brought them many school supplies which were graciously donated by East students, did a few crafts, and played Duck, Duck, Goose and Red Light, Green Light. I already felt so complete, just having fun with these kids. I couldn’t believe that something so amazing as this could earn me service hours.

After several more days into the trip, we journeyed to East’s sister school, El Trentino. This is where the majority of the collected school supplies went. The students greeted us with signs reading “Welcome to our sister school” and as soon as we walked into the room they burst into applause. I felt like I hadn’t even done anything for them, but a heartfelt thank you from a child’s mother sent tears of utter joy and compassion rolling down my cheeks. The school children showed their appreciation for our donations by singing and dancing for us, and many people from the community had come to welcome and thank us. Never before had I felt such intense emotions towards people who I hadn’t even met. Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m having trouble figuring out what words I could possibly select to even approach the description of the feelings I had on that day.

One night after we were supposed to have settled into bed, a few of us went back outside to bathe in the cool night air and gaze at the sky, freckled with stars. We talked about what we felt before coming on the trip, and we realized that we had all been at least somewhat apprehensive about our desire to travel there, but at that point we would give anything to not have to return to the US. Everyone we met was so warm and welcoming. I now have two Nicaraguan women whom I call “Mama” and dozens of new friends. These were the most marvelous people I have ever met in my life, and every day I ache to return to Nicaragua and repeat this entire experience.

I guess what I can draw from this all is the lesson that a community is not solely restricted by location. We are all citizens of the world, and as such, every single country is part of our community and it is our job to help in any way we can. I feel permanently linked to Nicaragua now. I feel it is my second home. I am thrilled that the time I spent there can carry over into service learning hours, but I don’t think that a piece of paper with numbers and a signature for its documentation will ever do it justice. That is what I hope everyone can get out of their service experiences. I know that many people complete their hours begrudgingly, but I would hope that this graduation requirement can mean so much to others in the future of East Chapel Hill.

hidemyhead @ 2007-05-19T22:33:00

2007-05-20T02:34:10Z

i won first place in the country for the national spanish exam for level three with outside experience! wooooo

hidemyhead @ 2007-05-13T10:53:00

2007-05-13T14:58:12Z

i had another dream about him last night.
i think it came from talking to him for about an hour total on the phone yesterday. i ran out of phone cards and called him from my house phone- stupid move, the bill is going to be hundreds of dollars. i'm so fucking screwed. but i LOVE talking to him.

anyways, in my dream he came to the US (like the last dream i had about him) but this time it was so real. i kept half-waking up and realizing it was a dream but i forced myself back to sleep so it could continue. he went to my school with me for a day, which was amazing. also in my dream he somehow learned fluent english and would try to speak to me in english, but i wasn't having any of that. i love dreaming in spanish.

it makes me so mad when people complain about not seeing their boyfriend/girlfriend for a couple of days or a week or whatever, because i NEVER see mine and i have to pay a shitload of money to even be able to call him. those sorts of people need to realize how lucky they are to have their significant other live in the same country as them.

he is all i can think about. he is all i have thought about for the past month and a half. he is all i want.

hidemyhead @ 2007-05-10T20:12:00

2007-05-11T00:13:10Z

today andy's mom said to me:
"you look really good, you must be in a good place right now"

awkward.

hidemyhead @ 2007-04-30T20:17:00

2007-05-01T00:17:08Z

it is 87 degrees in my house
i feel like i'm in nicaragua again

hidemyhead @ 2007-04-06T22:41:00

2007-04-07T02:43:16Z

all i want to do is to go back to nicaragua
i know everyone else feels the same way
we all cry every day
i can't stop listening to reggaeton
anything that's not related to spanish fails to hold my interest
i miss everything about it
i've already talked to my nicaraguan friends, alex, alvaro, and lerling four times in the past two days that i've been back
we had a sort of reunion at a nicaraguan restaurant tonight and talked to the owner about going back with her this summer and staying at her house there
i am so depressed about this, it's ridiculous
I LOVE NICARAGUA.
-----------------------
Ay, Nicaragua, Nicaraguita
recibe como prenda de amor
este ramo de siemprevivas y jilinjoches
que hoy florecen para vos

Cuando yo beso tu frente
beso la perla de tu sudor
mas dulcita que la frutita de tibuilote
y el jocote tronador

Ay, Nicaragua, Nicaraguita
mi cogollito de pijibay
mi pasion se enterro
en ei surco de tu querencia
como un granito

Es tu saliva alaste y dulcita
como la savia del maranon
que restana con alegria todos los dias
mi rebelde corazon

Ay, Nicaragua, Nicaraguita
la flor mas linda de mi querer
abonada con la bendita Nicaraguita
sangre de Diriangen

Ay, Nicaragua sos mas dulcata
que la mielita de tamagas
pero ahora que ya sos libre, Nicaraguita
yo te quiero mucho mas

hidemyhead @ 2007-04-02T07:45:00

2007-04-02T13:45:23Z

i´m in nicaragua

and i never want to leave.

hidemyhead @ 2007-03-24T12:08:00

2007-03-24T16:09:24Z

I AM LEAVING IN A HOT 15 HOURS.

If you want to do something before I am in Nicaragua, give me a call.

hidemyhead @ 2007-03-20T18:05:00

2007-03-20T22:06:16Z

I can't wait to go to Nicaragua and get the fuck out of this place, even if it is only for 10 days.

hidemyhead @ 2007-03-13T23:23:00

2007-03-14T03:23:12Z

Whatever happened to bros before hoes?

hidemyhead @ 2007-02-21T23:12:00

2007-02-22T04:13:30Z

Mary Ann was sent away to New York today without any advanced notice.

What the fuck.

I am so sad.

And Ryann just told me that her cat, Shark, was killed by a car today.

Andy's dog, Posh, had to have major surgery today.

This is one of the worst days I have ever had.

hidemyhead @ 2007-02-10T17:31:00

2007-02-10T22:32:42Z

sorry for the cryptic posts, but...

wow. i am in shock (but it's good!).

hidemyhead @ 2007-02-07T21:02:00

2007-02-08T02:02:56Z

My mood has been improving significantly. However, it still hangs in the balance and I occasionally feel akin to a tightrope walker. But Friday is the QYDI Birthgay Party and I think it might make everything perfect.

hidemyhead @ 2007-02-01T23:25:00

2007-02-02T04:29:41Z

You're supposed to be able to turn to friends when you need help, but I can't help feeling that they really don't care about my problems and that I come off as just as whiny because I complain a lot. But this is fucking killing me. I cannot do this day-to-day living by myself right now. I constantly hate myself. I cry all the goddamn time. I can't even figure myself out. I have no idea who I am or where I am going and it's really just way too much to handle on top of school and work and friends.

I don't want to feel like I can't even talk to my friends about this shit, but that's really the feeling I get most of the time.

hidemyhead @ 2007-01-28T18:46:00

2007-01-28T23:50:15Z

I may or may not be going to college next year. I plan to go eventually, but right now I just am so opposed to schooling that I sort of need a break.

I generally can't bring myself to do any school work, but I've decided that, for this next semester (even though this one doesn't really matter...I guess I should have done this earlier) I'm going to view school as though I have interest in it. Maybe I'll feel more motivated if I can convince myself that I'm really interested in everything I learn.

Whatever. I love living my life the way I do. I feel no need to change my behaviors. I want to have so much fun in life! And why shouldn't I?

hidemyhead @ 2007-01-20T18:23:00

2007-01-20T23:25:40Z

DC was the shit. Prepare for an onslaught of pictures tomorrow. Mary Ann, Ryann, Julia and I basically are pros at rocking the nation's capital.

hidemyhead @ 2007-01-16T06:05:00

2007-01-16T11:05:35Z

I'm leaving for the DC trip and I'm not coming back until Friday.

Love you!

hidemyhead @ 2007-01-13T21:53:00

2007-01-14T02:55:23Z

I have a confession to make. I just really don't like parties. I don't like drinking and I don't like hanging out with a lot of drunk people. Drunk people are loud and annoying. Why aren't parties more about smoking? I'd much rather be in the company of high people. Ughh. Every weekend.

I hate parties.

hidemyhead @ 2006-12-31T21:34:00

2007-01-01T02:37:18Z

I am so codependent it is ridiculous. Why can I not do anything on my own???? How am I going to survive after this year? Fuuuuuckkkkk, I need to slow down time and work my issues out with myself before life continues. I have a feeling I'm going to be so depressed in about 8 months. Just watch.

Love this song.

2006-12-31T02:18:00Z

There's a saltwater film on the jar of your ashes. I blew them to sea but a gust blew them backwards and the sting in my eyes that you then inflicted was par for the course just as when you were living. It's no stretch to say you were not quite a father, but a donor of seeds to a poor, single mother that would raise us alone. We never saw the money; it went down your throat through a hole in your belly.

Thirteen years old in the suburbs of Denver, standing in line for Thanksgiving dinner at the Catholic church. The servers wore crosses to shield from the sufferance plaguing the others. Styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables. Charity reeks of cheap wine and pity. And I'm thinking of you. I do every year when we count all our blessings and wonder what we're doing here.

You're a disgrace to the concept of family. The priest won't divulge that fact in his homily. And I'll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet. You can deck out a lie in a suit, but I won't buy it. I won't join in the procession that's speaking their piece using five-dollar words while praising his integrity. And just cos he's gone, it doesn't change the fact he was a bastard in life, thus a bastard in death.

hidemyhead @ 2006-12-22T16:47:00

2006-12-22T21:48:40Z

Surgery sucks. My nose hurts so bad and it won't stop bleeding. I feel pretty crappy, but not as crappy as I would feel sans codeine